What did I do with my time?

I'm 6 days from my 40th birthday and it leaves me wondering what on earth I have done with my time? I seem to have lived the average life with a couple of children, a job or two and a few years in my younger days of being drunk and having fun but what does it all mean? Well very little if truth be told.
I wonder if I would have appreciated my children any more than I do if I'd had them when I was younger, I doubt it.
I would probably have ruined any relationship I could have had but I can't really say that as it would have changed my attitude no matter what age I would have been. My kids have turned me into an overly emotional and very protective dad who would give nothing short of his life for his children. I would have thought that was a normal reaction of a parent to a child but the older I get the more I realize that simply isn't the case.
I still find it disturbing that parents cannot feel for their children the way they should and I for one would like to see those adults punished for every act of selfishness and neglect towards their kids.
I have regret about spending so much of my adult life wasting money and time on nights out and alcohol.  All of it for nothing either. I have absolutely nothing to show for those years of over indulgence except a reduced bank balance and a few stories and that disturbs me. I would love to have had the advantage of hindsight but I could apply that remark towards every part of my life.
I guess that's what they call experience and that really is something that cannot be bought. Experience really is what makes a man from a boy on every level and if only I could bottle it up and sell it, I'd make a fortune. But instead I've spent one and that pretty much sums it up.

The end of everything?

Panic and fear are the two words I would use most to describe my feelings in reaction to thoughts of death. I have become increasingly aware of my own mortality the older I get and whilst I am sure this is normal it is in no way comforting to know that most people experience it. This is of course an assumption on my part as I have no way of proving such a hypothesis unless I resort to questioning of friends and family. I hate that I should feel as I do. Why can I not be content with living life as it comes along instead of having to be concerned about how it is going to end? Actually it is not concern over the end process that is the all empowering distraction. It is the finality associated with it. I have never been able to come to terms with the fact that after death there is nothing. How can beings capable of such consciousness be reduced to nothing? I think the problem is that I have no possible point of reference for nothingness. It is not something we are ever taught or told to consider and we are simply expected to deal with it should the thoughts enter our minds. I would like to be able to contemplate religion and what it can offer in terms of comfort and understanding but I have always been of the opinion that religion finds you and it is not something we can force ourselves upon. I can fully understand the reasoning behind religion and the people that cling to it with undying devotion as it can offer solace and explanation to some of humanities most difficult questions but I do regard those explanations to be simplified to say the least. I have no doubt religion has its place and I would truly love to be able to feel the all encompassing sensation of devotion towards a higher entity but perhaps I am too cynical to be able to experience that sentiment. Or perhaps I have just yet to be touched or whatever it is switches us to belief of a Godly existence. Either way I am left with the continuing disbelief of death and what it means to our conscious lives. Is it the case that we have grown so arrogant that we refuse to give in to the fact we are nothing more than highly evolved animals and that egotistic lifestyle we lead ensures we simply defy the logic that means we do simply die? I for one can only hope there is something more than what we are on earth for all other explanations scare me to the point of panic. To imagine what death brings and the end of thought, reason, relationships and love is something I continue to grapple with for the possible truth is something so horrific it does induce fear. For now I can only hope that we do in fact move on to something better and do not simply cease to be! So where does that leave the rest of us that cannot help but to wonder? We need to attempt to belay any thoughts of death and what it brings, immediately discard any thoughts and be determined to live for the day. If we spend all of our days fearing the end then we'll soon enough realize our dread and die not ever having lived our lives.

What's in a name?

The latest celebrity naming of a child has undoubtedly just affected my own child's life. Colleen and Wayne Rooney have just had the great news of a healthily delivered baby boy. This is of course a happy occasion for Wayne and his fashion addicted wife but it means a life of commonality with regard my three year old sons name.
Wayne and his wife have named their son Kai, the name my wife and I decided to settle upon for our own child on his birth just over three years ago. There is of course nothing wrong with doing that except every celebrity obsessed young girl will now follow suit and fail to be original in their own naming of children.
I can now see a plethora of little Kai's coming into the world and so the turning of a once half decently original name into one of the most commonly used.
I feel there should be a book of stupidly exotic names for celebrities to choose from in order to avoid these issues in the future. Unusually exotic names are usually all the rage for those in the public eye so I guess it should be applauded that Wayne and his spouse should not follow suit but still I feel pity for my young son.
His only saving grace is to have come along before he could ever be accused of having parents guilty of following fashion but even still. It would not surprise me if he should change his name in the future to that of something so outlandish and uncommon that he would indeed feel like an original.
I'm thinking George or Graham? Surely names that will have died out altogether by the time he is 18?