What did I do with my time?

I'm 6 days from my 40th birthday and it leaves me wondering what on earth I have done with my time? I seem to have lived the average life with a couple of children, a job or two and a few years in my younger days of being drunk and having fun but what does it all mean? Well very little if truth be told.
I wonder if I would have appreciated my children any more than I do if I'd had them when I was younger, I doubt it.
I would probably have ruined any relationship I could have had but I can't really say that as it would have changed my attitude no matter what age I would have been. My kids have turned me into an overly emotional and very protective dad who would give nothing short of his life for his children. I would have thought that was a normal reaction of a parent to a child but the older I get the more I realize that simply isn't the case.
I still find it disturbing that parents cannot feel for their children the way they should and I for one would like to see those adults punished for every act of selfishness and neglect towards their kids.
I have regret about spending so much of my adult life wasting money and time on nights out and alcohol.  All of it for nothing either. I have absolutely nothing to show for those years of over indulgence except a reduced bank balance and a few stories and that disturbs me. I would love to have had the advantage of hindsight but I could apply that remark towards every part of my life.
I guess that's what they call experience and that really is something that cannot be bought. Experience really is what makes a man from a boy on every level and if only I could bottle it up and sell it, I'd make a fortune. But instead I've spent one and that pretty much sums it up.

The end of everything?

Panic and fear are the two words I would use most to describe my feelings in reaction to thoughts of death. I have become increasingly aware of my own mortality the older I get and whilst I am sure this is normal it is in no way comforting to know that most people experience it. This is of course an assumption on my part as I have no way of proving such a hypothesis unless I resort to questioning of friends and family. I hate that I should feel as I do. Why can I not be content with living life as it comes along instead of having to be concerned about how it is going to end? Actually it is not concern over the end process that is the all empowering distraction. It is the finality associated with it. I have never been able to come to terms with the fact that after death there is nothing. How can beings capable of such consciousness be reduced to nothing? I think the problem is that I have no possible point of reference for nothingness. It is not something we are ever taught or told to consider and we are simply expected to deal with it should the thoughts enter our minds. I would like to be able to contemplate religion and what it can offer in terms of comfort and understanding but I have always been of the opinion that religion finds you and it is not something we can force ourselves upon. I can fully understand the reasoning behind religion and the people that cling to it with undying devotion as it can offer solace and explanation to some of humanities most difficult questions but I do regard those explanations to be simplified to say the least. I have no doubt religion has its place and I would truly love to be able to feel the all encompassing sensation of devotion towards a higher entity but perhaps I am too cynical to be able to experience that sentiment. Or perhaps I have just yet to be touched or whatever it is switches us to belief of a Godly existence. Either way I am left with the continuing disbelief of death and what it means to our conscious lives. Is it the case that we have grown so arrogant that we refuse to give in to the fact we are nothing more than highly evolved animals and that egotistic lifestyle we lead ensures we simply defy the logic that means we do simply die? I for one can only hope there is something more than what we are on earth for all other explanations scare me to the point of panic. To imagine what death brings and the end of thought, reason, relationships and love is something I continue to grapple with for the possible truth is something so horrific it does induce fear. For now I can only hope that we do in fact move on to something better and do not simply cease to be! So where does that leave the rest of us that cannot help but to wonder? We need to attempt to belay any thoughts of death and what it brings, immediately discard any thoughts and be determined to live for the day. If we spend all of our days fearing the end then we'll soon enough realize our dread and die not ever having lived our lives.

What's in a name?

The latest celebrity naming of a child has undoubtedly just affected my own child's life. Colleen and Wayne Rooney have just had the great news of a healthily delivered baby boy. This is of course a happy occasion for Wayne and his fashion addicted wife but it means a life of commonality with regard my three year old sons name.
Wayne and his wife have named their son Kai, the name my wife and I decided to settle upon for our own child on his birth just over three years ago. There is of course nothing wrong with doing that except every celebrity obsessed young girl will now follow suit and fail to be original in their own naming of children.
I can now see a plethora of little Kai's coming into the world and so the turning of a once half decently original name into one of the most commonly used.
I feel there should be a book of stupidly exotic names for celebrities to choose from in order to avoid these issues in the future. Unusually exotic names are usually all the rage for those in the public eye so I guess it should be applauded that Wayne and his spouse should not follow suit but still I feel pity for my young son.
His only saving grace is to have come along before he could ever be accused of having parents guilty of following fashion but even still. It would not surprise me if he should change his name in the future to that of something so outlandish and uncommon that he would indeed feel like an original.
I'm thinking George or Graham? Surely names that will have died out altogether by the time he is 18?

Working for a large company

I'd always heard the phrase "I'm just a number" but I've now become one of those numbers and I must admit to agreeing to the sentiment.
I do realise that the only way to be recorded and tracked in a very large company is to be part of a numbering system but it does little for your feeling of self importance or indeed your general state of mind towards the company.
There are incessant emails delivered daily from the mothership in another country highlighting what has recently made news and the latest health and safety initiative to be launched does little to assist your daily routine and usually increases your apathy towards the company.
I'm of the opinion that you need to be a certain type of person to want to be part of such an association. Some people are suited to working in a large company as they see an opportunity to move onwards and upwards and these people are usually the ones who cannot be trusted. Others, like myself, find it difficult to settle alongside those high fliers as they are want to apply a certain amount of derriere osculating and I have never felt comfortable doing such a thing.
This probably stems from my first ever job being a firefighter in the RAF. The firefighter element of the career was in itself a difficult start as it involved very long periods of inactivity and this leads to innevitable idleness. This is hardly an ideal pre-cursor for a life of hard work.
The RAF factor merely encouraged me to detest and rebel against authority. I have always had issue with any situation that could result in you being locked in a jail for expressing your opinion. I came close on too many occasions and decided to apply for voluntary release before my 9 year contract had completed.
This mindset has had great effect on my life. I am to this day unable to conform to the status quo without venting my own and sometimes controversial opinion. Why is it controversial? Well anything said out of place in a large company is by definition controversial. Large companies are generally safe beasts, rarely venturing into risk and frowning against those who would suggest alternatives. It is best to be seen to re-invent an old idea than to offer a radical new approach. New ideas are viewed with sceptisism and mistrust and do not conform to what is known.
Where does that leave me? It leaves me alongside most of the population, dissatisfied with thier jobs and praying each day for an escape of some sort.

Divorce and my children

I am unfaltering in my love for my children which is why I will go to the grave regretting not being able to love their mother anymore.
I am extremely happy with my new partner and we are planning to have children of our own but that does not reduce my regret over my failed marriage. Had children not been involved then I would not have given the break-up a second thought. It would have been sad, it would have been hurtful but it would have been over.
Children have the obvious effect of prolonging a failed relationship for many years and that brings issues. My ex and I get on well, better than most I'd say but that does not ease the pain of my hurt children. Evidently my upbringing has allowed my hurt to continue long after the actual breakdown of marital happiness.
I'd like to consider that as a recently turned forty year old I am sufficiently modern thinking to realise that marriage is not the sanctity it once was and that the all too common break up is sadly inevitable but still something inside me fights against modern thought.
I believe that children should be raised within matrimonial surroundings and that parents should endure for the love of their offspring but life just doesn't work that way these days.
My 13 year old daughter has some grasp of what reeality means where relationships are concerned but with my 3 year old son it is different. I sometimes lay beside him when he sleeps and I apologise every single day for not allowing him to know what it is like to grow up in a "normal" family environment having mummy and daddy there 24 hours a day. I could quite easily shed tears over this and if thoughts are left unchecked I usually do.
I know that he is well cared for and loved not only by my ex and I but the two others that have filled the gaps left vacant after the split so why am I so concerned and upset?
I obviously believe in the family values but am not strong enough to sacrifice my life for the sake of them. My ex and I could easily have plodded along for twenty years or so not really enjoying life but merely living it. We could have lived with limited passion and diminished love and we'd always have the daily conversation regarding how our children were doing but little else to stimulate.
Should that be enough...yes it should! Was it enough...no it wasn't!
I expect to hate myself forever or at least until the day that my son can sit me down and say, "It's okay Dad, it all turned out okay in the end."
I look forward to that day in the hope that he can say it and it hasn't mattered.

The use of humanity

Many of lifes attitudes are set by experience, environment and teaching. I would like to consider myself generally rounded in all of the forementioned labels and it is for this reason that I wonder sometimes on humanity's failings.
I understand the need for differing attitudes and personalities but when it comes to simple humanity I see many failings in many people. I wonder what place there may be in life for a person that could callously walk along a street and on coming across a simple feline sitting quietly on a step would find it enjoyable to kick the animal hard enough to break its ribs and send it hurtling through the air against a wall.
There was no provocation on behalf of the animal which I can attest to as I walked barely twenty feet behind the perpretator but still he took delight in harming this poor animal. Not content with causing harm, the creature walking on two legs laughed and enjoyed the process as if watching a comedy unfold.
The actions of my own are to be argued against as my rage boiled over and I sought revenge on behalf of the small grey mammal. On approaching the man, he was predictably coy on what he'd done and somewhat aghast at being pulled up on his actions. He did not show anywhere near the same bravado when confronted by myself and when I left him the tears welling in his eyes accompanied a plead for leniency. This angered me even more!
The man left and I removed the cat to the nearest veterenary clinic. The feline recovered and was returned to its owners.
It left me however with an unbelieving of how a presumed higher evolutionary mammal could delight in such actions. I can see no reason for these types of person to exist among us. If incapable of controlling ones own emotions or dislikes suitably that would see no such actions then I see no reason to allow them to be part of our environment. It is of no advantage to humanity to have such people roaming among us. They are undeveloped in matters of emotion and caring and only add to what is already an extraordinary and troubling society.